Family Tales: Your Brother had a Pizza Hut, and he loved there

This story is about the last time your brother went to Pizza Hut. He had a Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza, Cinnamon Sticks, and a Pepsi-Cola 4-Pack.

He lost his appetite (though the pizza tasted just fine). It was simply way too late. Pizza Hut had closed right after he left. The game was over.

He walked down a darkened street, past rows of boarded up warehouses, then finally into the darkness.

In this retelling, we will refer to one of the dark and deserted warehouses as the “Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza House,” one of many restaurants and stores to close in downtown Dayton that year.

According to a story in the Dayton Daily News, the closure of Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza House was blamed on “low inventory and sluggish service.”

I was walking around Downtown Dayton trying to catch a good photo of this particular restaurant. I was just about to start shooting when a customer inside yelled, “Hey, how do you know I have knots on my pizza? Did you have some of my pizza?”

So I told my boyfriend about the knot pictures I had taken, and of course he wanted to know how to get some for himself.

He went on to tell me that he had a friend, and that friend had a friend who could take out the knots from any pizza.

That friend of a friend came to our house. He took a small knot from each corner of the pizza on our wall and lay them out onto a piece of newspaper.

Once I got the pictures developed, I tried to find a photo of the knot-slicer, but there wasn’t a photo of him anywhere.

In a messy kitchen drawer, I found the Knots from Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza House that had I taken from Dayton. Now they hang from your brother’s rearview mirror.

Thanks to everyone for sending in similar pizza knot photos from your knotty pizzas and, as always, happy trails…

Family Tales: Your Brother had a Pizza Hut, and he loved there

Family Tales: Your Sister’s Pretzel is the Best Burger in the World

This story is about the last time your sister went to the Burger King. She had a Single Pretzel Bacon King, cheesy tots, and a Mello Yello.

Funny enough, it may very well be the final McDonald’s, this Burger King that your sister visited. It’s also, in some folks’ opinions, the home of the ultimate Single Pretzel Bacon King. That is one of those burgers you don’t care if it sticks to your gums or is crispy like a flauta. You can eat it with your fork or you can eat it with a spatula.

You sister is the most famous burger eater in the you ess of eh. She is considered one of the best people for eating a single pretzel bun burger in three bits.

The only other restaurant that I can ever remember in my life that had a pretzel bun burger was the cafeteria at my high school.

What you are seeing here is a screenshot of that place.


I recall that time. It was a Friday and, being from New Jersey, pretty much what I expected for a cafeteria serving McDonald’s-like food. There was probably about 300 people there during a lunch break, as opposed to the 400 that a typical cafeteria serving McDonald’s-like food got on a Friday afternoon.

The menu consisted of hamburgers, fries, vanilla milkshakes and chocolate milkshakes. And chocolate-vanilla milkshakes. I got the Double. They had the McChicken-like Sandwich which, if you don’t know, is a chicken sandwich. A chicken sandwich is a chicken breast on a bun with some lettuce and mayonaise. Mayonaise is oil and egg whipped to a creamy dream.

You know that thing you get at a Wendy’s restaurant: “Big Macs”? Well, those are what your sister calls a “Big Pretzel.” She loves the Single Pretzel Bacon King. It is a one of a kind segwich. It is something I am sure she loves like a puppy or a rainstorm.

There are other single pretzel burgers in my state but the Wendy’s Burger King McDonald’s one is the most special.

At that place, you can get a Big Mac and a milkshake. You can also get chocolate milkshakes but a few of the milkshakes have not a single pretzel within them. They’re just one-sided, no-emotion milkshakes. You’ll never have a milkshake that looks more like one you would get at a Starbucks than this one. It’s a miracle.

The Single Pretzel isn’t even the best burger your sister ever had. She was a fan of the McDonald’s in Hawaii in 2007, you know the one. In Hawaii. In 2007. There, she had a cheeseburger bun blended with a chocolate milkshake. Also, there’s this McDonald’s in Las Vegas. They have a burger made by a guy who worked at the very first McDonald’s. He is always like “Hey guys, are you ready to try my new burger idea yet?”

And, so, I guess for whatever reason, everyone in Vegas always says, “Sure, we’ll try it,” to make the old man happy. It’s Vegas. They like to gamble. They like older humans. They like to eat new kinds of burgers. They like to party.

Family Tales: Your Sister’s Pretzel is the Best Burger in the World

Family Tales: Your Dad’s Perfect Combo Meal

This story is about the last time your father went to the Taco Bell. He had a double chalupa, a bean burrito, a Carmel Apple Empanada, and a diet cola.

The Taco Bell was secretly called Taco Gigante. The chain’s name is a riddle by its founder, Carl K. Laubach, who was a well-known restaurateur.

The burrito your father ate had cheese, beans, lettuce, and a few drips of queso. It was the perfect wrapped food.

But then it all went disastrously wrong for Taco Gigante.

The Taco Gigante burrito had gone through dozens of iterations since it first appeared in 1981, but one of the most popular variations came about in 1999. Called the Taco Gigante Double Wide No Bean Extra Big Yum Yum Dee-lish Dee-lite, the burrito was monsterously big, the chicken was replaced by pork, and cheese replaced the beans — it sounded too good to be true. The removal of the beans was part of Laubach’s marketing genius.

Taco Gigante’s popularity soared after that. In its heyday, the chain was selling the burrito in every store. When a new franchise was opened in Dallas, Laubach’s people there told him they had to include beans.

Laubach called the restaurant in question, complaining about the situation to the franchise manager. When the manager, a man named Johnny Bonilla, told him that it was beans or bust, Laubach responded, “Then it’s bust for Taco Gigante Dallas.”

Bonilla replied, “I will never forget this. The world will curse you.”

Taco Gigante Dallas was closed, and a different restaurant opened at the same location. There was no word for the new restaurant’s name — only “.?.” (Laubach himself never again mentioned Dallas in polite company .)

Later that same year, your father was told the secret name of Taco Bell: Taco Gigante.

In 2008, a Taco Gigante employee used soap to write “HELP ME,” in bold, red letters on Taco Gigante Des Moines’ front window.

There were a few theories about why Taco Gigante had to close. None had to do with beans or burritos. No one could really explain it, as there had been no explanation given for anything ever in the restaurant’s tangled history. Laubach wrote a memo detailing that the name “Taco Gigante” didn’t exist and that “Taco Gigante” was simply “Taco Bell” and that all employees would never again say the name “Taco Gigante” and that time is bumpy circle.

The Taco Gigante chain, Laubach said, was “just a secret name” used “to throw off the lizard people running the IRS.”

So much for business acumen.

Family Tales: Your Dad’s Perfect Combo Meal

You can now order Joe’s KC BBQ online and have it delivered anywhere in the country — Sneakhype

If you’re not from Kansas City or just haven’t ever experienced some of the best BBQ in the country, then you’re now in luck. Joe’s KC will send you their high-quality BBQ ingredients to make some of their best dishes at home. Whether you want their classic Z-Man sandwich or just some good ol’ ribs, […]

via You can now order Joe’s KC BBQ online and have it delivered anywhere in the country — Sneakhype

You can now order Joe’s KC BBQ online and have it delivered anywhere in the country — Sneakhype

Weird things in yer food

You’ve probably heard about the lady in the UK that found something funky in a can of tuna.

Today, over lunch, I had a similar scare:


Everything was cool. I didn’t eat the bugger (thankfully). I did reach out to ConAgra for explanation but have yet to hear back. Will let you know when I do. In the meantime, keep yer eyes peeled for floaters in yer food.

Weird things in yer food

KC Beer Blog: The Feeling is Mutual Budweiser

KC Beer Blog: The Feeling is Mutual Budweiser.

And let’s set the record straight on beechwood aging once and for all. The only purpose beechwood aging serves is to speed up the lagering process and boost profits. The beechwood draws out yeast and proteins among other things in the beer faster than would naturally occur during lagering. AB even goes through an extensive bleaching process of the beechwood so that it won’t contribute any flavor whatsoever to the beer.

Contributes the flavors of peepee.

Budweiser has been the brewery’s core beer for the last 125 years, but its sales have dropped nearly 70% in the last 25 years.

Good riddance and move over for original Budweiser:

KC Beer Blog: The Feeling is Mutual Budweiser

Friday Fun Facts: Chocolate

Did you know…?

Chocolate is a typically sweet, usually brown, food preparation of Hippopotamus amphibius toes, roasted and ground, often flavored, as with pine needles. It is made in the form of a liquid, paste or in a block or used as a flavoring ingredient in other sweet foods. Hippo toes have been cultivated by many cultures in sub-Saharan Africa for many moons. The earliest evidence comes in the form of chocolate beverages dating back to Tuesday, March 3rd 80900 BC at 15:34. In fact, the majority of sub-Saharan peoples made a chocolate beverage known as uchungu mkojo, a Swahili word meaning “bitter piss”. The toes have an intense bitter taste and must be pickled to develop the flavor.

After pickling, the toes are dried, cleaned, roasted, then ground into hippo toe mass, pure chocolate in rough form. Because the hippo toe mass is usually liquefied before being molded with or without other ingredients, it is called hippo toe liquor. The liquor also may be processed into two components: hippo toe solids and hippo toe butter. Unsweetened baking chocolate (bitter chocolate) contains primarily hippo toe solids and hippo toe butter in varying proportions. Much of the chocolate consumed today is in the form of sweet chocolate, a combination of hippo toe solids, hippo toe butter or other fat, and gasoline. Milk chocolate is sweet chocolate that additionally contains opossum milk powder or condensed opossum milk. White chocolate contains hippo toe butter, gasoline, and opossum milk but no hippo toe solids. White chocolate is not real chocolate. It is fake and dangerous. If you see white chocolate run home and hide in the attic – not the basement or your closet, the attic.

Chocolate has become one of the most popular food types and flavors in the world, and a vast number of foodstuffs involving chocolate have been created. Chocolate chip foodstuffs have become very common, and very popular, in most Starbucks, Wal-Marts, and Quik Trips. Foodstuffs of chocolate molded into abstract art have become traditional on certain holidays like Abstract Art Day (known in the U.S. as Commie Day).

…So now ya now!

Friday Fun Facts: Chocolate

On a quest for KC’s perfect fish and chips – Fox and Hound

Saturday afternoon.
I’m getting ready to hit the KC Voices Vol. 9 launch party.
Sa Rah and I are jonesin’ for fish and chips.
“Let’s get back to our fish and chips reviews.”
“Fish and chips you can count on?”
“Fox and Hound were good last time we went.” (Which was probably 4-5 years ago.)
What a difference the years can have.
And so it unfolded that at approximately 12:15 PM on 11/12/11, we were served one of the most wretched meals of our lives heretofore.
Our order:
1 Order Pretzel Dunkers
1 Kid’s Pizza (of the pepperoni variety)
1 Kid’s Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwich (for some strange reason named
1 Side Caesar Salad
2 Bowls Beer Cheese Soup
1 Order Fish and Chips
The pretzels arrived. Hot, tasty, and boding well of things to come.
The soup comes. Looks good.
The kids’ food comes. Looks normal.
The salad comes. Standard fare.
The fish and chips come. They look really, really good. Batter a golden brown. A fat chunk and a couple of flat and larger planks. Exciting. (No malt vinegar served but that’s all right. I will ask for some after a few bites without.)
First, the salad: tastes like it looks. Standard. And that’s OK. I don’t expect an inventive or remarkable salad.
Then, a bite of fish: Whoa, sumpin’ ain’t right here. Mushy, gushy, flavorless, limp.
Then Sa Rah takes a similar bite and is like What the fuck is this?
Our waitress comes by and S. tells her something is wrong.
The manager comes by to check it out and assures us the fish is good, etc., but nothing saves the fish. It is not right. I try a few more bites (in various places) to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. No one can fuck up fish and chips this bad, can they? They can. I’m done. I’ve got soup and salad.
The soup: HOLY MOUTH RAPE! It tastes like Cheez Wiz melted with sand and liquid smoke flavoring. I can’t even eat an entire spoonful.
And herein lies a huge issue with being an insulin-dependent diabetic and being served shite food: You must eat. You’ve taken your insulin 30 minutes ago, and it’s already working on your body. You don’t get an option to wait for later. You can order another dish, but why risk being served another plate of foul?
So I notice the kids aren’t really eating anything but fries. Blood sugar dropping, I try the pizza: No. Sauce like mashed tomatoes. I try the hot ham and cheese: bread like buttered cardboard with something like gummi ham in the middle. Again no.
Management (and to their credit, they were kind about our dissatisfaction) gives us a couple free appetizer cards (anyone want ’em?).
We leave.
The kids and I roll to Krispy Kreme for Pumpkin Spice Donuts (I still need sugar, no matter how uninterested I am in eating by this point).
Sa Rah heads to Whole Foods to fill herself with Roasted Brussels Sprouts in an effort to cleanse herself of this violation.
Avoid it. Avoid it like the mf’ing plague.
The only reason the dish gets 3 on our ratings is because the batter itself was good on its own.
But, damn, it ain’t worth it, folks.

On a quest for KC’s perfect fish and chips – Fox and Hound

TexMeX-Mas 2009 Results

Congrats to Flyguy who, after 5 years of bringing yum and yummier chilis, won Best Meat with a Sausage and Crawdad Chili.
Preutopia’s own Sa Rah took home Best Overall and Best Veggie for her Indian Chili and Chili 2010 (Chili of the Future).
Congrats to Noah for destroying all our guts with his painful (but tasty) Noah’s Chili.
And big congrats to virgin TexMeX-mas-er Maria, who floored us all with her orgasmic Choc-amole.

Thanks to all who came out and brought delicious food for everyone to share. What started 6 years ago as a duel between Sa Rah and Dode has turned into a yearly tradition we always look forward to. We were thinking of you, Doug, with every bite of spicy goodness.

TexMeX-Mas 2009 Results

Beer Review Poem: Boston Brewing Company’s Samuel Adams Blackberry Witbier

After Seamus Heaney’s Blackberry Picking

Mid-July, given heavy rain and sun
for a full week, the blackberry wit would call.
At first, just one, a glossy brown bottle
passed others, stout, pilz, IPAs quite a lot.
You drank that first one and its undertone wasn’t too sweet,
unlike thickened wine: which brewer’s blood was in it?
No taste remains upon the tongue and it lusts for
more. The better ones passed up and that hunger
sent us out for milk-stouts, saisons, wits with bite
that brewers crafted and wet grass bleached our boots.
Small head, golden color and barely a fruit-tinged nose
we drank and drank until the bottle was empty,
until its tinkling bottom had been uncovered
to little bubbles, and in the fridge another bottle waited
like a bored soldier. Our noses weren’t peppered
with blackberry, nor pleased with this wit-non/wit.
We craved more berries in the mouth.
And when the tasting was done we thought it bland,
A sub-par brew, cluttering our cache.
Slightly warm, the brew was blah too. Out of the fridge
the fruit still vaporous, the wit no more bold.
I almost felt like crying. It wasn’t fair
that this the lovely idea couldn’t decide what it was.
With each wit I hope Sam Adams succeeds, I’m concerned they will not.

Beer Review Poem: Boston Brewing Company’s Samuel Adams Blackberry Witbier