#1
This morning the weatherman on Metro Weather said he expected the “putrid” conditions to continue in KC. To which Sa Rah immediately responded, “Yup, it’s hotter’n corpse outside.”

The weather isn’t rotten.
The weather isn’t morally objectionable.
The weather is just fucking hot. So say that, Mr. Weatherman. You can leave out the word “fucking” and just say, “It’s gonna be hot outside. Uncomfortably hot.”

#2
An Open Letter to Sprint PCS

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been a customer of yours for going on four years. Be it out of pure habit or sheer laziness when it comes to getting a new service provider, I’ve stuck with Sprint PCS throughout those four years – two of which I wish to complain about.

I live no less than 3 miles away from Sprint PCS World Headquarters (known to the locals as “The Sprint Prison…err…Campus” or “Now You Gotta Job, Now You Don’t”). And even though were I to stand on the roof of my apartment building I could probably make out the prison’s clock tower, I still can’t get a signal inside my apartment. I’ve complained before and was told to upgrade my phone. This is a transcript (from memory) of my initial complaint that I couldn’t get a signal inside my apartment:
“The antenna on your current model has problems and you should get a newer model.”
“Do you cover that upgrade?”
“No, sir.”
“So, your not providing signal is up to me to fix? How about just build a tower across the street? Surely, that would fix the problem.”
“Sir, I’m looking in the computer and it says the signal in your area is normal.”
“Well, my phone doesn’t agree with your computer.”
We went back and forth for a bit before I conceded and gave up. A few weeks later I washed my phone along with a load of jeans and that took care of that problem for a few months. Then my brother, Matt, signed us up for a pair of camera phones on a new Sprint PCS account. There I was: new phone, same damned problem. Our apt. complex must be the vortex for Sprint PCS signals. Now you might say it’s the apartment blocking the signal. Perhaps, but Cingular and Verizon signals work just fine.

So for you, Whom It May Concern, I posit two questions:
– What’s the problem with your signal in my neighborhood (yes, the entire complex lacks a signal) and;
– Do you really have to wonder why your company is going down the drain when it’s your own hand doing the flushing?

Sincerely,
jdoublep